The Conversation You’re Avoiding

By Paul Yung

Ever heard anyone say, “I’ve put it those words in my heart for a long time and not said them out loud.” Works better in Cantonese, but you catch the drift.

Someone disagrees with a proposal in a meeting but stays quiet.

A husband assumes his wife is happy with a decision but never asks.

An employee feels underappreciated but never communicates it.

A friend feels hurt by something that was said but keeps it to themselves.

Then months or years later, the truth comes out.

“I actually didn’t agree.”

“I actually didn’t like it.”

“I actually felt hurt.”

My response is usually the same.

Why didn’t you say something?

The answer is almost always identical.

“I didn’t want to offend you.”

“How dare I say la, bruder”

Here’s the reality. Most of the problems in our lives are not caused by bad intentions. They’re caused by unspoken expectations.

People aren’t mind readers.

In business, I see this happen all the time. We might be discussing a new initiative, product launch, or marketing campaign. Nobody raises concerns, so the meeting ends and we move forward.

Then six months later, if things don’t go according to plan, someone says,

“Actually, I thought this might happen.”

My first thought is always, “Why didn’t you say anything??”

Imagine how much time, money, and frustration could have been saved if that concern had been voiced earlier.

Questioning an idea is not disrespect.

Sometimes the greatest contribution you can make to a team is having the courage to speak up when everyone else is staying silent.

The same principle applies at home.

I learnt this lesson recently after almost ten years of marriage.

Anyone who knows me knows that I love planning holidays.

I enjoy researching destinations, booking restaurants, creating itineraries, and following a plan. I thought my wife loved it too.

Then last week as I was planning for our next trip to Australia. She finally told me that she actually preferred travelling with no plans!

For almost a decade, I had assumed she enjoyed the holidays exactly the way I planned them because she never told me otherwise.

She assumed I knew what she wanted, neither of us were right.

On our recent trips, we’ve found a better balance. We plan some activities while leaving room for spontaneity. The result? We both enjoy ourselves more.

I couldn’t help but wonder how many more wonderful memories we could have created if we had simply discussed it earlier.

Clarity is kindness.

Many people think staying silent is the kind thing to do.

It isn’t. Here’s what I learnt from the school of hard knocks.

Silence creates resentment, Communication creates understanding.

Here’s the kicker. You have to learn to communicate effectively in the right time and place.

Do not, for the love of all things good, ever, give your opinion in a way that would make someone lose face in front of others. Especially to your boss or spouse!

Save their face in public, correct them in private with empathy.

This is where most people get it wrong one way or the other.

Honesty without empathy is cruelty.

Saying something empathetically is being emotionally mature, not sugarcoating.

It’s not only what you say, it’s how you say it!

This is constructive communication.

Learn to give feedback without belittling and express your needs without making demands.

When I work with suppliers and vendors, I will never try to cutthroat their prices, but I will ask if they could work in a discount.

The conversation you’re avoiding is often the conversation you need to have most.

Maybe it’s telling your boss you want greater responsibility, or your spouse what you really need.

Maybe it’s apologizing to someone you’ve drifted apart from.

Pluck the courage to have those conversations.

Life becomes much simpler when we stop expecting people to read our minds.

After all, people are not mind readers, and neither are they cardiologists.

If something is important, don’t keep it locked in your heart and expect someone else to discover it.

Say it.

Speak your gratitude, voice your concerns, share your ideas and express your feelings.

The quality of our relationships, careers, and leadership is often determined by the quality of our communication.

Just say it, and that conversation might just change everything.